Thursday, May 30, 2019

BBQ and random thoughts

Niki has reached the funny faces whenever someone tries to take a picture phase
It wasn't too warm today, but we decided to have a BBQ anyway and had a really good time. I went all out, we had Bratwurst, Chicken, Rosemary Potatoes, white cabbage salad and 'stick bread' (Stockbrot), we played T-Ball and climbed on the slide. All in all a good day.

The one thing I am thinking of a lot right now is our future and I was thinking about it again, today while we played outside and I considered how I could change the landscape of the garden. To back of a bit, for as long as I can remember, I wanted to leave Germany and move to the USA, England was always a second option. Fast forward and I spend a year as Au pair in the USA and afterwards moved to the UK were I lived for 9 years, before I moved back home. I spend my early 20s in Newcastle and it was were I needed to be to find myself as a person and become independent in so many ways. 

I moved because I wanted to be a mom and I wanted my kids to grow up with their grandma. My 'plan' was always so move back abroad once my mom passed away but I didn't think this would be until my kids would be at least 10. As you know my mom passed away unexpectedly 18 month ago and for the past year I am trying to figure out what to do.

Being a mom, makes it so much more complicated. I can't just pack up and move. My dream of the US is still strong as ever but even if I would win a Greencard the realistic me is not happy the way the US is heading political and diversity wise. Not to mention health care is expensive and I do have a kiddo that has cancer. I think as much as I love the US at this point in time, it would not be an option and I don't know if it ever again will be.

England and Newcastle is my other love and I always figured I would move back sometime. OK Brexit is a concern and I need to see what happens there but that's it.

The thing is right now Germany is good for us. We are in a good financial place that is getting stronger each year and if we move, we would make a financial loss, no matter were we move too. I own my house but selling it would not make us a lot of money, due to the area we live in. The house is not my dream home but I have lot's of different plans in my head on how to change things, both in the house and garden.  I am in the position to not have to work full time, which means I can follow my passion of homesteading and spend more time with my kids. I will most likely go back to full time once the kids go to school. 
The kids will have a good and free education here, which is another factor why Germany is good to us now. Not to mention I am very happy with the clinic in Göttingen that is treating Jacob. Plus staying means I can pursue my dream of a third child, which has always been a dream of mine too.

As you can see the logical part tells me to follow the logic and stay put but how can you give up and not follow your heart? It's so frustrating and something I think about often. I am still not closer to figuring out what to do. Though the most likely thing will be that we will settle for the time being and review everything once the kids are 10, like original planned before my mom passed away.

Thursday, May 16, 2019

RIP Nala

We lost our sweet and beautiful Nala :( 

She was missing since Sunday, but she was missing for a few days last week too, so I didn't think anything bad of it. Both Nala and Baloo are outdoor cats, so they will be out discovering all the time. But you could count on them to come by whenever we were outside and in the evenings. So she was missing and we found her this morning on the other side of the main road. There is a tiny pond a small way down from the road and that's were she was laying, no obvious injuries but she was probably struck by a car. We are all quite shocked and devastated. She was my favorite because she was always up for a cuddle, Jessie loved her (she would greet Jessie as soon as Jessie came out of the house and the two would have  cuddle), Baloo misses his sister and Jacob randomly keeps bursting out in tears telling me 'Nala dead'. Niki is the only one not really affected, but he was not there when we found her and was in kindergarten, so didn't really realize what happend, he just realizes she is not coming for cuddles anymore.

RIP Nala, you lost your life way too soon

Monday, May 13, 2019

four !

Four! My boys turned 4 already and I am trying to figure out were time went. After the year we had we had a quiet but beautiful birthday. The boys got spoiled with presents from friends and family and of course from myself. Niklas stayed home as he had a bit of  fever on the weekend, so we spend all day together. We had BBQ for lunch and played outside with the new toys (T-ball and Basketball).

The best present we got was the news from Jacobs doctor that we can make an appointment to have the broviak removed.

Four, soon they will be five and then off o school in two years. Honestly it feels just like yesterday that I was pregnant with them and that they celebrated their first birthday.

I am sad that neither me mom nor me dad will see them grow up. It's times like these were I feel robbed of my time with them. On the other side, in the past year other relatives stepped in to support us (even though they live quite day away) and I am getting closer to them again (some I saw regularly when I was a kid/teen but then lost touch with). Still wish my dad could have met my boys and teach them how to play football (Niki might be a keeper like his grandpa) and other things. And I wish the boys could have had more then 2,5 years with their grandma. I asked Niki the other day if he remembers his 'Omi' and he wasn't sure who I was talking about. OK this post just took an unexpected turn that wasn't planned but I leave it like that.

Still 4 is a milestone reached. They are still slightly behind boys their own age but not much apart from talking. Jacob is talking more now and is on the level of  2 year old. We started speech therapy (Friday) and he needs to basically build up vocabulary but he has made great progress from the operation last year (when he could not really hear) to now. Niklas understands everything but just has trouble forming the words and he too needs to build up vocabulary (more so then Jacob). He will take more work but we will get there.

Other then that they are to incredible boys. Niklas is very empathetic, always willing to help, he loves animals, Jessie and him are best friends, he's testing his boundaries, loves being outside and loves to cuddle.
Jacob is a little fighter, always smiling (he's  mini-me), he loves being outdoors, he would like to have chickens and loves our cats. He get's frustrated easily when things don't go the way they should. He loves to give hugs in the mornings.

As I said they turn in two incredible boys and I love to watch them grow (just down grow up too quickly)

Sunday, May 12, 2019

Happy Mothers Day

Happy Mother's Day to all you beautiful mama's out there! 

I wanted to share one of my favorite poems about mothering

Now That I Am Forever With Child, by Audre Lorde

How the days went
while you were blooming within me
I remember each upon each--
the sweilling changed planes of my body
and how you first fluttered, then jumped
and I thought it was my heart.

How the days wound down
and the turning of winter
I recall, with you growing heavy
against the wind. I thought
now her hands
are formed, and her hair
has started to curl
now her teeth are done
now she sneezes.
Then the seed opened
I bore you one morning just before spring
My head rang like a fiery piston
my legs were towers between which
A new world was passing.

Since then
I can only distinguish
one thread within running hours
You, flowing through selves
toward You.

Thursday, May 9, 2019

fun outside

For my birthday back in February I got money because I wanted to have a gazebo for the garden. The last few years we used a sun umbrella but that isn't very useful and I was trying to figure out what to use. Back in January I sorted photos from like 20-25 years ago and noticed how my parents had a gazebo in  the garden and I was like that's an idea. SO I finally found one I liked and got it today. Jacob and me set it up and then had a spontaneous outside lunch on Jacob's request. 

We spend time in the afternoon in the garden too, attempting a family picture and just having fun.

Tuesday, May 7, 2019

Garden Update 07.05.2019

some of my young rabbits

part of the garden

lavender and herbs in the raised beds

kohlrabi and peas


white cabbage

strawberries and onions
Slowly but surely my garden is coming along. Today I planted another row of carrots and some lettuce, as well as 3 rows of beans, kohlrabi and white cabbage. Peas are coming out and I can also see the first 2 rows of carrots peeking through. The only thing left to plant is the cucumbers and a few more rows of potatoes. 

I have done some changes during the winter month, moved the bushes to the side of the vegetable garden (blueberries and white and red currents) but the main changes are that I am attempting BTE (Back to Eden) gardening, we will see how that goes. 

I am so glad it's now back into gardening season. To dig in the dirt helps me to ground myself and focus on the moment. My kids usually run around and play in the garden at the same time and we enjoy being back outside. I still have some other things to pick up in the garden or do some cosmetic changes (moving stuff etc) but the major work is done for the time being and everything is falling together.

Wednesday, May 1, 2019

Bank Holiday

It's been a Bank Holiday in Germany today, after a lazy morning inside, we spend the afternoon outside. First we played with bubbles and then Niklas and me spend some time playing soccer. Then the kids decided to do a water gun fight and I spend an hour weeding around the onions. The peas are coming along great and I am planning on planting more potatoes tomorrow.

Sunday, April 28, 2019


The last few weeks have been exhausting, we've been on the final stages of Jacobs in hospital chemo, which meant we spend a lot of time in the hospital during March. We finished hospital chemo on March 29th but since then spend 3,5 weeks in hospital due to reoccurring fever. We usually got home and then Jacob would get a fever again withing 24-36 hrs and we would be back very soon. As I was fighting a cold too, it was just very tiring. We got out the Sunday before Easter and luckily so far we had no more fever. Jacob has his energy back and blood results look good too. We started his at home chemo in form of pills, which he will have to take for 1,5 years now.

The weather picked up nicely just before Easter, so we spend some time outside and had a BBQ on Easter Sunday. We colored eggs too and looked for Easter Eggs on Easter Sunday. The afternoon we spend outside on a walk and in the garden.